2015 NFL UNIFORM POWER RANKINGS

hello, friends.

I have created this blog for various musings that are too long for Facebook.

I like jerseys. Talking about them, wearing them, and now critiquing them. As we swing into fall, it’s time to take a look at kits around the NFL. First, a note of warning. Everything I say is prefaced with “in my opinion,” so take no offense if your team looks bad. The NFL historically is not very good at jersey design, so this wasn’t easy.  They’re not perfect, and I’m sure these rankings would look different on a different day, but it’s all in good fun. We’re going off aesthetic value alone…no amount of history can make gross look good.  I see the NFL as having 3 main jersey types: traditional (old school looks), modern, and futuristic. I’ll use these terms frequently. Without further adieu…
32. CLEVELAND BROWNS

As if it could be anybody else… I actually think these new rags are quite an improvement from the old batch. I dig the Cleveland across the chest, the Orange is sharper, and it just looks like they tried harder. But in the end, it’s orange and brown with the worst helmet in the game and no amount of autumnal nostalgia can salvage that.

31. OAKLAND RAIDERS
I see what they’re going for here. Lots of black, simple, and intimidating, no funny business. Unfortunately for anyone who bought this jersey, only the late, great Dale Earnhardt could pull that off. Also, they play on a baseball field. This team looks like they’re running on a $50 budget.
30. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

I was going to put the Chiefs at 31, but I’m writing this as I watch TNF and they actually look better than usual, so let that be a caveat to the rest of this blurb. Normally, they’re jerseys look like a really faded red with blinding yellow. Only one group of people on earth can pull off red and yellow and all 2 million of them live immediately south of Serbia. This jersey is an eyesore, as the Chiefs’ faded red and yellow look with dull helmets means they walk onto the field looking like they’ve already played the game.

29. SAN FRANCISCO 49ers.

Red and gold look great together. How do you mess it up? By picking the jersey design from the kids’ clearance section at Champs. Unspeakable boring. Also, a darker red would be better. They also fall victim to the faded red look. Alternatively, the black and red unis they donned on MNF were beautiful, eye-straining-numbers be damned.

28. DETROIT LIONS

As you progress through these rankings, you will learn light/baby/powdered blue puts you at a disadvantage. I don’t like it. And to pair it with silver, of all colors? Boring. The black accents and revised logo of a few years ago give them a boost.

27. WASHINGTON REDSKINS

They should adopt their alternates with the arrow helmet and dark shirts as full time. Time to upgrade to a modern jersey. The arrow is way better and everything else looks severally outdated. The color scheme would be ok if they did it up nicely.

26. DALLAS COWBOYS.

The Cowboys’ dark blue away jerseys would rank high on this list. Their navy and white alternates would compete for the top spot. So why are they here at 26? Because of the one kit they insist on wearing all the damn time. Silver and navy helmet. Blue and white shirt. Sea foam green pants. Pick a color and stick with it. Also, the shirt’s boring. They get a lift from their badass helmet.

25. CAROLINA PANTHERS

More light blue. Actually, this one looks ok with the black. I think it’s an attractive color scheme, but they need to upgrade more than the logo. This particular shade of blue teeters confusingly close to teal,many it’s a fatal flaw. The helmet strips are also oddly done, almost looking asymmetrical and poorly drawn. And lastly, the helmet. The logo redesign was an upgrade, but it’s not right for a helmet.

24. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

They did red and gold/pewter/whatever right the first time. Their previous jerseys were among the most underrated in sports. But now look what they’ve done. Digitized numbers. Why? The oversized logo is cool but the jersey has too much going on and too much orange. The creamsicle look is rightfully gone. BUCS on the sleeve is lame too. Tried way too hard.

23. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

They could probably be a little higher but I’m punishing them for the powder blue alternates everyone likes so much. Manchester City. Denver Nuggets. Uruguay National Team. San Diego Chargers. What do each of these teams have in common? They all look terrible. I had to get that off my chest. The dark blue jerseys are solid , and to my surprise the white helmets look better than the old blue ones, but nothing about this jersey warrants a higher spot.

22. NEW YORK GIANTS

Look at the Giants’ blue. You see it? That is a nice blue. So nice, they should make everything blue. Instead, we get gray sweatpants. It’s a MetLife Crisis (shoutout to Dan’s fantasy football team name). I also think they should scrap any red on their jersey. Red and blue don’t go as well as most would like to think. Unless of course the Giants use those red alternates. I like those. Also, no more gray face masks.

21. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

I can see why their design has lasted so long, but it’s time to skip past modern jerseys and jump to futuristic in the Andrew Luck era. The abrupt halting of the sleeve strips grinds my gears. The pleasant shade of blue with white helps these guys out.

20. GREEN BAY PACKERS

I know, people love tradition, blah bah blah. Honestly, I thought I’d put them lower, but the green looks kinda cool on a December field. Otherwise, green and yellow don’t fly. The helmet calls to mind urine. The logo is solid but nothing really grips you here. Terrible team name, too.

19. CHICAGO BEARS

The only place you’ll see the Bears above the Pack. Blue and orange can work (see Broncos, Denver), but the Bears’ jerseys feel particularly dull and dry. Especially with the unnecessary white sleeve striping. They should adopt their all blue and orange alternates as permanent. Those look sweet.

18. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Props for purple, but they downgraded to a traditional theme from their previous modernized ones. The jersey is boring and I don’t dig the matte look. Deepen that purple, bring back the yellow accents, and you’ve got yourself a heck of a jersey.  I liked the old one a lot.

17. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

The old jerseys were underrated but I give them kudos for a way better futuristic design than that mess in Tampa. I think the helmet should’ve made a more gradual color transition but it still looks good. The Brooklyn Nets logo is a little out of place on a football jersey but it looks cool in isolation. Overall a solid design. Also, jags is a cool sounding word.

16. NEW YORK JETS

Another relatively simple one, but it has lasted a while without feeling old. Dark green and white is an underrated combo. An upgrade may be in order soon but I’m cool with it. Nothing really to complain or brag about lands you at 16.

15. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

The other black and gold. I actually really like their jersey, but nothing bout it really pops. They’re mostly this low because I like something about the others more. They look great with gold or black pants, though black risks the unitard effect. Who dat? Skinny-legs Drew Brees.

14. MIAMI DOLPHINS

They definitely needed a redesign, as the old green reminded me too much of mops and the mesh bags the balls in gym class came out of. The new color is modern and sleek, while the orange is minimized so as to protect your eyes. I’m not a major fan of the new logo but it squishes the crap out of the old fish.

13. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

I wanted them to be higher, but they’re here for the following reasons. I love the color scheme, including the neon green. I preferred the old jerseys tho; that gun metal finish was sweet. The Seahawks are interesting in that you have 3 clear phases: the old jerseys of yesteryear, the modern gun metal ones, and now the overdone future look. I don’t understand why they needed to pay so much respect to the Hartford Whalers by running their logo up the entirety of their legs. I also don’t care for that bar that runs from the sleeve towards the center of the jersey. The checkering pattern on the helmet is useless. The checkering within the numbers even more so. They get points for their awesome green alternates. Keep it simple, Seattle.

12. New England Patriots.

Boo. Hiss. Smug look on Tom Brady’s face aside, their red face masks are brilliant. It’s not often that a face mask makes you look twice. The red gloves they used on TNF were also eye catching. They’re not stellar otherwise but can’t complain about anything. The red and blue works for me because they used darker shades.

11. TENNESSEE TITANS

Baby blue got a pass here because their use of dark and light reminds me of the Mavericks. Helmet may need a redesign but the white really pops.

10. HOUSTON TEXANS

They get points for having bypassed the traditional phase. Straight to modernity. As I said with the patriots, dark blue and red beats lighter blue and red. Also, I care not for silver so the Texans are higher than the pats. Their red alternates are also wonderful. Few jerseys look better than the Texans blue with a huge 99 on it.

9. BUFFALO BILLS

They should probably be a bit lower for going from modern to traditional style. I was a huge fan of the old red helmets and dark blue jerseys of the JP Losman era, but as far as throwback jerseys go this is one of the better ones, so I wanted to reward them for showing some restraint. The white helmet looks great.

8. DENVER BRONCOS

I definitely prefer the blue jerseys to orange, but they have one of the best logos in the league and an all around great looking kit. One of the few teams to forego those tacky pant stripes everyone has and add something cool. Major points there.

7. BALTIMORE RAVENS

I hate to say it, but they look good. The glossy black helmets take attention away from Flacco’s mug. They’re one of the few teams whose colors really seem to fit their name, and I’m just a big fan of purple. I also dig the shoutout to Maryland’s flag on the shield.

6. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Very slick and edgy looking. The all black alternates are also great. Oh, how I’d like to see those with a black helmet. The helmet wings and sleeve logo go great together. I’d hunt an eagle down if they went back to the Kelly green. The current shade of green looks awesome. What are people thinking??

5. CINCINATTI BENGALS

You can’t argue they have arguably the most unique unis in the league. The sleeve and helmet stripes look cool without being cheesy. I’m a fan of tigers, but I like to think they look good regardless. Seeing them run out onto their jungle-themed field send shivers down one’s spine. The orange alternates are nice, but the black can’t be beat. If only their quarterback was as lethal as he looks.

4. PITTSBURGH STEELERS

As a steeler fan, I tried to be as unbiased as possible. Considering they’re not number 1, I’d say I achieved that, but that doesn’t mean I won’t fawn over them. Let’s talk about black and yellow for a moment. Few color schemes are as striking. It commands attention. It looks b-e-a-utiful.  And it’s because I love them that I will critique them. They need to get rid of all traces of white on their sleeves. So many NFL teams neuter their badass colors with superfluous white borders and stripes. I dig that their logo is only on one side of the helmet and left-of-chest. I like the italicized numbers over the block ones.  With the Nike redesign, they adopted yellow bands on their shoulder pads that when you catch a glimpse you wish it was part of the collar. They didn’t go with the revamped collars most teams took up and I sometimes wish they did. I like the bee jerseys and love their old black and gold reebok alternates even more. This jersey is traditional, timeless, and futuristic. As are their 6 titles.

3. ST. LOUIS RAMS

They could make a case to be higher. Blue and yellow don’t work, no matter how much the traditionalists insist. Dark blue and gold, though? Genius. I love everything about these jerseys. The helmet is arguably the best in the league, and their logo is one of my personal favorites. I like when they wear all blue, but the gold pants are cool too. Well done, whoever designed these. If they move to LA and change, ima buy one of these just to have.

2. ARIZONA CARDINALS

My favorite color is red. Specifically, a slightly darker red. That’s why the Chiefs and 49ers are so low. They went lighter. Fools. That’s really the most important factor here. Red, red, and the absence of another real color to take attention away from it. The shirt design is slick, the pants are great, and I like the helmet. I wonder if I’d like a red helmet even more. Basically, I want them to try anything Lousiville tries. Those black alternates are absolutely unbeatable. If they were their primary jerseys, they’d be number 1. Perhaps then it is no surprise that number 1 goes to……

1.  JULIO J- …….ATLANTA FALCONS

Congrats, Atlanta. The only title you’re going to win is my jersey power rankings. I kid, I kid. I wouldn’t mind seeing the Falcons take the Lombardi home. Though it saddens me that it will be without Steven Jackson and Tony G. You know what my second favorite color is? It’s black. Im not a big fan of either of the Falcons’ old jerseys. Not the red-helmet throwbacks nor the black-helmet set that came before this one. No pizzazz or edge whatsoever. These, though? My goodness, if Julio Jones doesn’t have the best jersey in the league (the 11 looks great, no?), I don’t know who does. Just kidding, Roddy White does. They skipped the stripes on the sleeves, pants, helmet, and anywhere else, and they will be rewarded handsomely. They look downright lethal.